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Catherine B

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Great Expectations [Jun. 17th, 2009|10:05 am]
Catherine B
I came here motivated to the max, ready for the fight, head held high and chin up to the sky - if only it was all plain sailing. I'm unsure whether motivation is something that can grow or develop, that you have or you don't, or whether it is something that you can work on to conjur up out of nothing. Motivation covers a vast expanse of meaning - it can be the holiday you've planned with your boyfriend, the swim you want to take without obsessively counting the number of lengths, or it could be living in a perfect house with perfect children - it's about reaching for things that currently seem out of reach, not just that, but the will and determination to get there. Can it be faked? I came here not unafraid, but filled with a sense that this time round, my treatment for Anorexia and Bulimia would be easier because I felt motivated to get better, to live a life free of all this utter crap. I worry now that I may have been 'faking it to make it', pretending that everything was fine and dandy in order to allow myself to experience the admission process in the least traumatic fashion possible - I'm too used to taking the 'I'm fine, I'm fine, it will all be fine' approach to life. AKA denial.

Perhaps I did think it would be easier, who knows what goes through the mind of someone who's every waking moment is spent thinking about food and weight - there is no room for anything else and what is there is so distorted, so disorientating and unreal.

What I'm saying in a ridiculously roundabout way is, my God this is so much harder than I ever could have expected.

I am not turning round on everything I mentioned about wanting a better life for myself, yearning for a happier, more normal relationship with those closest to me, thinking about the future ... children... it is all still there. The fact is that they are all longterm goals - easy to list, impossible to get you through the interrim. I didn't think of that, dismissed really the thoughts of how I would deal with the here and now, how the hell to cope with having this food in my tummy, gaining weight and having to keep the whole thing up without ever thinking, 'I'd rather just take the day off this eating mullarky'. There is no such thing as a day off, this is constant, this is forever (if you choose). Heaven knows I have wanted to give up, give in. I've had days when I have had to refuse a single biscuit simply because I cannot cope with those few pesky calories on top of everything else I have had that day, others where I've been presented with an unexpected dessert, freaked out and had to force down Clinutrin instead (ikky tasting meal replacement).

I could list hundreds of difficulties, negative moments and thoughts in comparison with the positives - in part due to the fact that I have an inbuilt inability to see the good in anything I have ever done, nothing is enough and no achievement ever provokes feelings of pride. Add to this the force, the true power and hold that this illness has - it corrupts. If you fight it, it fights back twice as hard.

I'm trying, I really am - but this slight downfall in my ability to keep soldiering on as I first claimed is getting me down a little, hence the lack of updates.

I'll be back - snack time!

[User Picture]From: snailonvalium
2009-06-17 09:55 am (UTC)
this is part of the process,some days are a lot worse than others.
i think part of it IS motivation,but a lot more is strength,fight and aim.
i think youre doing great,this comming from someone in a similar position,but not in rh.
its hard,very,very hard.
one thing i do a lot is compromise-which might be more difficult for you in there,but not impossible.
you could ask to switch some snacks and have them included in a main meal-which might help with the "i cant stuff any more in" type feeling-you are allowed to ask for that,though you probably would have to fight for it.its about making it easier for yourself,but still getting enough to live....

it might never be easy for you,it might get to a point though where its not as intense,thats how it is for me currently,its still a fight.example,i cant physically cram any more solids in,so have added clin-because i know i cant climb without enough energy...
that kind of thing.

dont know if that makes any sense?
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[User Picture]From: airmarshall
2009-06-18 08:20 pm (UTC)

Oh so there you are ...

... meeting yourself on the way back.

All children want to be loved, they want to be listen too, they want their rights to be reconised and not violated and they want to know that you are there, but most of all they want things to be simple.

It's tough this re-educating malarky but I get a sense you've crossed a threshold.
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