The Beginning of the second Beginning
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catherineib
catherineib
Inspecting my tired reflection in the mirror this afternoon after a string of what I like to call 'silliness' but what the experts call 'binge/purging', something finally clicked. Something I have been waiting to strike me for a while now - you can feel it coming as you dive headfirst into such destructive behaviours. It isn't about how much weight you lose, because it is never enough to make you feel valid. It isn't about looking or feeling thin, because in the mirror, you're still huge and the flab still covers your body and you're still as disgusting as you were all along. It's the realisation that you are not in control. The stereotype says that Anorexia Nervosa sufferers thrive on control and the disease revolves around the power to restrict. I say this is not true, at least not for me. I feel out of control, I am out of control.
I am completely aware, possibly too aware of where I currently stand. I have a social life, until recently I was thriving as a researcher for a television company, I am active, I never let my eating disorder stop me from working or partying or any of the things that other people my age do (apart from the drunken kebabs and hangover breakfasts of course). This ability to live alongside my illness is one of the biggest obstacles in allowing me to see how I can possibly have gotten to the point where I need more support - support meaning my second inpatient stay in just over a year. 'I am invinsible' I tell myself, at least I haven't become a hermit, my eating disorder isn't all I have, I'm fine. 'I'm fine' becomes your most used phrase, to both friends and to yourself as you talk yourself into carrying on at full pelt should you face a moment where something scares you into thinking perhaps you are in trouble. Next to nothing will be enough to make you face your eating disorder in a head on fight.
Except perhaps your boyfriend who's doing a ski season halfway across the continent pleading you to get help so that sometime in the future, you'll be able to marry and have children. It wasn't even that that did it for me.
He just wants me to be happy. Happy + Eating Disorder does not, and never will compute.
So here goes... tonight I emailed my consultant and have asked to be readmitted. Wish me luck.
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Noticed you added me, I will add you back.
I'm sorry this has been such a struggle for you...
Did you manage to email your consultant? If so, what did he say?
Just to add, I'm not on Livejournal very much anymore - but if you want to add me on facebook just let me know and I will send you a link to my profile.
*hugs* Rachael x
Good luck with the inpatient thing. It's a good thing you're aware that you're sick and need help.. I think that's a big and scary step to take, even if you have taken it before.
I agree about your comment about being out of control. I've often felt the same way. I'm mostly recovered now (anorexic tendencies but let's say EDNOS), for over a year... but I'm struggling lately with the ol' shitty feelings/urges :P
x
I found your journal through the independent, and added you as I'm also looking to recover, and find knowing people in similar situations can help. Any, best wishes.
Emma
x
Allie Outram is a friend of mine and her book does come highly recommended by me.
I shall add it to my ever expanding must-read list.
Our main concern would be the "here and now"; I can tell you here and now, there is a robin waiting for water
Best of luck, Rachael
I've had my eating disorder for around eighteen years. Fifteen of those were without any help from "the experts". During those years I suffered and so did those around me. It's only in the past five years, following a long period of inpatient treatment and day patient care that I have been able to start recovery.
I'm in my late 20's and I have no trouble adjusting to daily living. I have a responsible job, I am married, I have stable friendships. I think you've just read a book that told you anorexia is about not wanting to grow up. I'm glad "the experts" have more experience and a more rounded point of view.
I really hope that your recovery is going well, 18 years is 18 years too long.
x
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