|I Have Mainly Been Worrying About...
||[Sep. 8th, 2009|11:42 pm]
Apologies for my absence of late, I have mainly been worrying about my mother's birthday present (I draw like a 3 year old, probably worse), last minute arrangements for my sister's hen weekend (my organisational skills are unfortunately not on par with the ones I claim to have on my CV), an interview for BBC's 'The One Show' (fretting that I may not be as articulate in 'real' conversation as I am in writing) and (same old, same old) food.
Quick catch-up then... my mum's birthday wasn't the disaster I had catastrophised - the drawing went down rather well, despite staining cream carpets with sunset shades of pastels, and thankfully I am a much better compilation CD putter-togetherer than I am artist...consolation gift. I also, along with my boyfriend and a dash of panic and stress, cooked a three course meal for her and eight others. The menu consisted of roasted asparagus wrapped in prosciutto, followed by a main of thai burgers with rocket salad and spicy wedges, finished off with my very own made-up recipe for a moist orange and dark chocolate cake. It all went down very well indeed and considering what a wreck I'd been in the run up to the weekend, I did damn well!
The Hen Weekend needs work... it's this coming weekend so I shall report back afterwards (she knows absolutely nada about what's going on either so can't risk her reading!)
My interview for 'The One Show' was filmed this afternoon in an amazing gem of a place, The Boudoir Boutique on Cavern Walks in Liverpool. I have been beyond nervous ever since agreeing to take part, but my need to get my opinions heard and broadcast were far greater than any amount of worry about what I'll look like on camera or how much stuttering it would take to make it through what I had to say. The story they're covering is based around the fashion industry and it's relationship with Eating Disorders and the impact it has, or may have, on young girls and women who are constantly bombarded with images of stick thin models and celebrities. With London Fashion Week looming, 'The One Show' wanted to ask somebody who has suffered from an Eating Disorder what they think about the issues surrounding fashion, runways, zombie-like models and the effect that has on people like me. If you have been following my blog, you will know that I eye-roll or laugh or want to die of sheer frustration when I hear any talk of a direct link between the fashion industry and Eating Disorders - a simplistic cause and effect idea that is far from realistic and belittles those who suffer from the illness. The media tends to perpetuate the stereotype that Anorexia is a lifestyle choice, a diet gone to far caused by too many hours ogling over the likes of Victoria Beckham, Nicole Richie circa 2006 or catwalk models resembling walking coathangers. People need to begin to realise that Eating Disorders are so much more complex and deep-seated than the conclusions that are too often made without thought, and that although changes do need to be made to ensure that a healthier, more realistic ideal body image should replace that out-of-reach and dangerous image of what some call perfection, the fashion world is certainly not to blame. I could go on, but hopefully the interview (probably broadcasting on Friday 18th September, BBC 7pm) will fill in any gaps I may have left in the above rant... let's see this as a tbc.
Quickly onto food - my oh my, what a week! I lost a little weight and they (staff) see that as a flashing neon sign saying that they need to feed me more. More? I'm barely coping with the meal plan I am already on, but rules are rules and as of today have been put on plan 2C. This, to you, will mean nothing. To me, it screams, shouts, taunts and tells me "I'm a man-sized portion...you don't need all of me". (I should move on before I personify food to the extent that it has a booming voice, but unfortunately I've now made myself aware of that and consequently done it). In all seriousness though, I know that I lost weight due to skimping out a little on the time that I have off the unit, out for meals with parents or at home at the weekend... bits here, bits there... it all adds up. I lost weight as a consequence of me not taking responsibilty for myself enough when I had to make those choices about what to eat and how much to eat when it was in my control... nothing at all to do with how much I am 'prescribed' here. It's quite possible that I am just scared, terrified by the prospect of having to eat more and therefore looking desperately for arguments against the change. Maybe I want control. Perhaps I need control... not over what I eat, but over how I want to best manage this. I worry that the rise in calories (or energy/nutrition, as the staff prefer to call it) will have a huge negative impact on my motivation, because I know how rubbish it will make me feel. Just as I start to get my head around eating a normal, average diet for a woman of my age, it jumps and twists and turns my thinking patterns into 'ill mode' - looking for more ways to skimp and worrying so much over the next day's meals that I can't sleep for thinking about a bloody breakfast.
I'm just scared.
I'll call it a day there, but promise I won't leave you hanging for as long this time!